


You Rarely Win, But Sometimes You Do

by allyoop_1



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sad, Sick Eren Yeager
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2016-06-15
Packaged: 2018-07-15 07:18:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7213096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allyoop_1/pseuds/allyoop_1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Eren giggled, nose scrunching up and face reddening and looking so ridiculously adorable that Levi couldn’t do anything other than swoop in and kiss him right on those grinning lips. It was chaste, nothing but a brush of their mouths, but it soothed an ache Levi had been feeling for weeks now. As good as it felt, though, he knew it was a mistake as soon as he pulled back enough to find that obsidian gaze shimmering in pain.<i></i></i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Rarely Win, But Sometimes You Do

Levi took his time navigating the blinding white of the hospital hallways, ignoring the sting of antiseptic and cleaning product in his nose. There was no sense of urgency in his steps, just a tired push of one foot in front of the other that spoke of countless performances of this same trek before.

Hiking his backpack higher up on his shoulder, he made his way into the pulmonary unit of the building. Several nurses and the receptionist he’d come to recognize smiled at him as he passed, and he answered with a stilted nod. He didn’t want to know these people, hated that they could greet him by name, but knew he couldn’t blame them for being friendly. Cheery smiles and overly bright dispositions were just part of the job.

Turning down one of the countless side hallways, he ticked down the numbers beside each room until he was standing in front of #36. Not bothering to knock, he entered and gently shut the door behind him.

Eren looked up as he came in, smile outshining the generous amount of sunlight filtering into the room. “Hey.”

“Hey, kid,” Levi shot back, carelessly dropping his bag and coat into the chair beside Eren’s bed. “You’re up early.”

Eren rolled his eyes, “It’s noon, Levi.”

“Exactly.”

Levi took a moment to scan the room, but nothing looked to be any different than when he’d left the night before. He went to grab for the clipboard beside Eren’s bed, but the kid swatted at his hand and shot him a look. Levi raised his hands in placation, but discreetly checked his chart on the wall instead. Nothing new, then.

Waving him off, Eren returned his attention back to the flat screen mounted on the wall. “You’re just in time- I think they’re getting ready for the pyramid.”  

Levi chuckled. Eren was the only person he knew who took reality television so seriously. “God forbid I miss Abby crushing the hopes and dreams of a bunch of six year olds.”

Eren shot him a look, messy brown locks falling in his eyes. “They’re nine, Levi. Only Mackenzie is six.”

“Excuse me, I stand corrected.” Levi plopped on the edge of the bed beside Eren’s hip, pushing at his side. “Scoot over.”

Eren sighed, but shuffled over enough for Levi to squeeze in beside him. “You know one of the nurses is gonna come in here and chew you out for being up here again.”

“Let them. You don’t get to monopolize all the good furniture in here just because your lungs are crap.”

Eren choked out a laugh and Levi savored the sound; it wasn’t often he heard it anymore. Kicking up a knee and crossing his arms, he indulged Eren for a while by watching the mindless reality ~~trash~~ television playing on the screen. Eventually, though, he snaked an arm over Eren to grab the remote and hit mute.

“Hey,” the kid whined, turning to fix him with a pout, “I was watching that.”

“Trust me,” Levi said, reaching over the side of the bed to rustle in his backpack. “I’m saving you from depleting your gene pool. You can thank me later.”

“Yeah, don’t really think I have to worry about that,” Eren mumbled and Levi clenched his fist hard enough for it to leave red crescent moons on his palm.

“Yeah, well, you can never be too safe,” he forced out, settling back down and clutching his sketchbook to his chest.

“You have some more drawings for me?” Eren exclaimed, pulling the book from his grasp and Levi tried not to focus on the blue glow of his veins through the skin of his wrists.

He nodded, watching as Eren flipped nearly to the back pages of the book before finding Levi’s newest works. He oohed and ahhed in the appropriate places, spending a significant amount of time on a charcoal sketch of Levi’s sister in the process of one of her ballet poses.

“I think these are some of your best yet!”

It wasn’t true. His best works were hidden away under his mattress at home, bright eyes and a laughing smile shining out of each one.

“Can I have this one?” Eren asked, fingering the edges of a rough sketch of his mother at work in her garden. Levi had managed to catch the glint of pride Carla’s eyes held as she surveyed her work, hands on her hips and sweat glistening on her brow. Yeah, Levi liked that one too. He’d drawn it from memory; he doubted Carla had looked that content or relaxed in months and her garden had steadily grown out of control in the interlude.

“Sure thing, kid.” Levi tore it from the book, hopping up to hang it by the other drawings Eren had been collecting on the bleak walls. It looked good settled between pencil sketches of Armin and Mikasa and Jean. When he settled back in, Eren was fiddling with his cannula, frown marring his features.

“It bothering you again?” Levi asked, concern leaking into his tone.

“Yeah,” Eren groused. “Damn thing itches. But hey, watcha gonna do, ya know?”

Levi hummed in response, but Eren’s squirming had knocked his blanket down and Levi had finally noticed the shirt he was wearing.

Fingering the collar of the well-worn and obviously well-loved t-shirt, he deadpanned, “This is mine, you know.”

Eren shrugged. “Yeah, well it’s my favorite, so it’s mine now.” At Levi’s glare, he stuck his tongue out. “Finders keepers, Levi.”

“I don’t think that rule applies when you purposely root through someone’s possessions, but whatever.”

“I didn’t _root_ ; I just temporarily misappropriated it from your closet,” he said haughtily. “It looks better on me anyway.”

“Oh, so you were going for 90’s grunge look intentionally, then? And here I’d thought you’d finally developed some taste.”

“And here I thought you’d finally developed some tact.”

“No, I value honesty entirely too much for that.”

“You mean you enjoy disguising antagonistic remarks as honesty.”

“Same thing in the end, really. Besides, I could stop whenever I wanted to.”

“Mmmm, I don’t think so. You’re in too deep, Levi.”

“Funny, your mom said that exact same thing last night.”

Eren gasped, punching Levi weakly in the side. “Levi Ackerman, you monster!”

“You’re right, that was in poor taste. Your mother is a lovely lady whom I respect very much.”

“You better, or I’d have to kill you.”

“Forgive me for being more afraid of your mother than a kid who can’t even kill June bugs without squealing.”

“They make crunchy noises, Levi. It’s wrong.”

“My point stands.”

Eren giggled, nose scrunching up and face reddening and looking so ridiculously adorable that Levi couldn’t do anything other than swoop in and kiss him right on those grinning lips. It was chaste, nothing but a brush of their mouths, but it soothed an ache Levi had been feeling for weeks now. As good as it felt, though, he knew it was a mistake as soon as he pulled back enough to find that obsidian gaze shimmering in pain.

They were both quiet for a moment, eyes locked and faces close together, before Eren’s gaze dimmed in sympathy.

“I thought we decided we wouldn’t do this, Levi,” he sighed, and Levi pulled back the rest of the way so he wouldn’t have to face the brunt of that pitying look.

_No, you did_ , Levi thought bitterly, but merely muttered, “Yeah.”

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“I know.”

“You promised you would try, Lev.”

Levi gritted his teeth. “I am trying. It’s just… it’s hard.” He turned his head and regarded Eren from behind his bangs.

“I’m trying, Eren,” he repeated, glad his voice hadn’t cracked on the half-truth.

Eren swallowed, and Levi could see the motion clearly in the bob of his throat. “I know you are.”

It was quiet for a moment, neither willing to venture into a conversation that had already brought them so much pain. Levi wanted to leave, go home and take some time to clear his head the way he couldn’t whenever Eren looked at him with so much heartache and sorrow, but was loathe to give up any time he had left to spend in this mockingly bright room.

Eren was the first to break the stalemate, delicate hand coming to rest on Levi’s own. He always did hate awkward silences.

“Hey, could we read some more today? I’ve been dying to know what happens after what we got to yesterday.”

Poor choice of words, Levi thought darkly, but he obligingly got up and pulled the novel out of his backpack. Settling back down, he pulled his knees up and propped the book against them. Eren curled into his side, head resting heavy against his shoulder and Levi wanted to scream at him, push him off and just fucking scream because how was he supposed to keep his promise when Eren kept doing shit like this? Instead, he searched for where they’d left off and began reciting quietly.

“‘I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do…’"

It was only three turns of the page before Eren’s eyes were drifting closed, head lolling against Levi’s shoulder, and Levi gently set the book on the crowded bedside table.

Hand shaking, Levi pushed a stray strand of hair behind Eren’s ear. He looked so young like this, so young and so sick, and Levi cursed every god he could think of for the purple hollows of his eyes and gaunt slice of his cheekbones. Eren was so much more than this crap body he’d been saddled with, so much more than failed experimental treatments and less than hopeful diagnoses. He deserved to laugh with his mother in her garden and pretend to be apologetic when he was caught stealing Levi’s clothing and see if those fucking nine year olds ever managed to win the state championships. God, it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fucking fair and Levi loved him so much that he ached with each breath he was able to suck in that Eren couldn’t, would gladly give them all up if it meant Eren didn’t have to struggle for just one, hated all of this but loved the kid so damn _much---_

He shouldn’t have been surprised by the tears running down his cheeks (when had he not been crying lately?), but angrily scrubbed at them anyway. Eren couldn’t wake up to him freaking out again; kid already had too much grief to deal with, he wouldn’t burden him with his own as well.

Gently drawing a hand up to cradle Eren’s cheek, Levi bent down to brush a kiss against his forehead.

“Sorry I can’t keep my promise,” he whispered there. “No matter how much you wish otherwise, I can’t stop loving you. And I wouldn’t want to, anyway.”

He sucked in a harsh breath. “But you broke yours too. And that’s not fair either.”

Pulling back, he once more wiped at his eyes before wrapping both arms around the sleeping boy clutching at his shirt. He couldn’t risk falling asleep and wasting any time he had left to memorize the curve of Eren’s lashes against the swell of his cheeks.

He sat there instead, the oppressing silence only amplifying the ringing of his own thoughts, and would be there still when Eren woke up.

***

_“Do you think we’ll be like this forever?”_

_He wasn’t sure where the question had suddenly come from, wasn’t normally the one to ask the philosophical or sappy questions in the relationship, but as Eren turned his head to peer up at him from where he was resting against his chest and grin, he couldn’t be bothered to regret it._

_“Are you having doubts, Levi?” he purred mischievously and Levi just shrugged._

_“Just wondering.”_

_Eren hummed thoughtfully before turning and climbing into his lap. He gestured dramatically as he proclaimed, “Levi, we’ll be together until every empire on this Earth has toppled, until every star in the galaxy has imploded. They’ll write sonnets celebrating our great love story, erect monuments in our likeness! No child will walk this Earth who doesn’t know of our epic love!”_

_He ended his spiel by pitching forward and knocking them both to the grass below. Eren giggled as he propped his chin up on Levi’s chest, and Levi laughed with him._

_“I appreciate the theatrics, but I was going more small scale. Maybe just stick to this lifetime?”_

_Eren smiled, the corner of his eyes crinkling. “Well, that’s easy. There’s never going to be a time where we aren’t together, even when you’re having an OCD moment with your drawings or I’m being a reality TV whore.”_

_Beams of sunlight hit the strong angles of his face just right, giving him an ethereal glow and Levi had to push up until he could taste the golden hue of his lips._

_“Is that so?” he murmured against his mouth as he ran a palm up the back of his shirt._

_“Mhhm. Face it, Lev,” Eren whispered, arching into his touch. “You’re never getting rid of me.”_

_Levi grinned, free hand reaching up to draw across bronze cheeks, playful eyes, full lips. “Promise?”_

_“Promise.”_

_And Levi believed him._

**Author's Note:**

> It's okay to hate me for this. I hate me for this. But thanks for reading anyway:)


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